Surrounded by a hoard of people but having no one to talk to. 

For the best part of a year, this specific circumstance has been one major vicious circle for me. And I've wanted so badly to talk about it, really talk about it, yet failed to do so because I was worried it would set me back even further. Upon speculation, that's impossible now. This is one of the more personal dilemmas that I have, wherein I can only really talk about with myself. Which is really demotivating because this is a personal blog, a place where I can archive memories, events and just the day-to-day mundaneness of my life. Because I feel like this is an immutable issue, I figured I would finally break the ice and share my thoughts, whether you're one of the people that anything of what I'm about to say involves or you simply just understand and may have even gone through a similar episode. 

Things I've Loved This Summer

To say the least - I am SO embarrassed. 

It's been like 6 months since I wrote anything and I haven't even one single excuse to give because the truth is I'm just lazy. Six months and not one creative brainwave in sight. 

I don't know how to get back into this, no idea where to start or what to say. But I'm going to try in hopes that it offers some compensation as to why I haven't been posting.

I said I wouldn't but I might just do it to be spiteful. Writing random crap on this makes me happy, as I've stated before. And maybe what's making me kind of reluctant to do anymore is the uneasiness, maybe acknowledgement is a better word to use that comes with it. Not so recently my blog was used as an insult towards me in a teeny tiny tiff. And I don't know, it kind of just turned me off the idea for a little while because it made me realise that people that didn't necessarily like me or whatever were still reading the things I was posting. A little while ago I tried to adopt a 'if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else, know your worth, don't put yourself out there for people who won't do the same for you' kind of attitude. And frankly, I thought I was acing it, but I wasn't. I was hung up over so much shit, and it took people literally drilling it into my head that I care too much about stuff that I shouldn't. I hated the fact that someone turned this thing, this thing that I love doing into something that I should be shameful of or embarrassed about. One; Everything I write is my business. I get that by writing it I'm giving people insight into a small portion of my life, but I'm writing it. It's not like they've happened to fall on it themselves. I want people to read my blogs, I enjoy writing them and knowing that people are reading them. Two; By one person verbally using it against me, the only thing I walked away from the situation with was a horrible taste in my mouth. I thought that if one person managed to say it to my face then it meant that numerous other people could've been thinking it.

If you're going to take anything from any of what I have said or will say, understand that it's not fair to take a jab at someone in the form of criticising or mocking something that you know they love doing. Imagine being the reason that someone was turned off doing something that they initially loved doing before you came along and said something purely because your brain was shooting blanks and you knew that it would sting like a bitch.

SO annoying.

However, I feel stupid for letting crap like that get to me and regardless of who reads and who ACTUALLY likes what I write, I like doing it and that's what's most important.