Surrounded by a hoard of people but having no one to talk to.
For the best part of a year, this specific circumstance has been one major vicious circle for me. And I've wanted so badly to talk about it, really talk about it, yet failed to do so because I was worried it would set me back even further. Upon speculation, that's impossible now. This is one of the more personal dilemmas that I have, wherein I can only really talk about with myself. Which is really demotivating because this is a personal blog, a place where I can archive memories, events and just the day-to-day mundaneness of my life. Because I feel like this is an immutable issue, I figured I would finally break the ice and share my thoughts, whether you're one of the people that anything of what I'm about to say involves or you simply just understand and may have even gone through a similar episode.
Knowing when to let go and when to hold on.
I've always been someone who struggles to know the difference between letting go and holding on for dear life. Throughout my teens, I fell into some of the best friendships that I've been lucky enough to have experienced, and it was all by chance. I established connections through people and didn't stop until I was encompassed by a throng of people that loved me just as much as I loved them. During this period of my life, I formulated this group so strategically that I understood or at least fooled myself into thinking that I was the Don. I'm still yet to figure out if this was one of the best decisions I've made (unconsciously, might I add) or the worst. For instance, I felt invincible. I thought of me and my friends as a group of indestructible bowling pins with me right at the front. I stirred up so much shit and forced people into situations where they couldn't help but dislike me. I did anything and everything for my friends, so willingly too.
In the coming years, I began to realize that I was perhaps the weakest link. My loyalty was obsessive and no one could reciprocate it no matter how hard they tried. I feel like this was my downfall maybe. I had built myself up on the foundations of all these other people without realizing that I was too much to carry.
I let go of a lot of people because they couldn't do what I was willing to do for them. And it wasn't until I lost them that I started grasping at threads that were never going to hold.
Actually maintaining friendships.
I'm terrible. I've become such an impressionable person that I let everything get to me until it literally consumes me and other people have to start stepping in.
I know that I should try harder but tell me how to do that when there's no starting point anymore. I have become so tired. I used to always stand up for myself, always prepared to defend myself. Eventually though, doing all this for yourself isn't enough. People disregard what you say especially if it's to do with feeling isolated and alone, feeling like there's no one you can turn to that'll understand. I've tried most routes and all I've returned with each time is the same thing. People telling me what they think I need to hear.
"you're not alone, you have so many people around you", yeah true but who out of those actually talk to me, who out of those know whats going on with me.
"you're sad because you're not trying to be any other way"
"you're stressing yourself out"
When it comes to friendships, I feel like I'm the easiest one to blame when something goes wrong. Even I think so. I'm the most opinionated, I'm the bad tempered one and I'm the one that's most disagreeable.
However it's funny to me because I would hate for anyone to think that about themselves and yet I'll accept it without a second thought. In a time where mental health has been pushed and pushed for it to gain recognition and a time where every few days I'll see somebody I know talking about how important it is to check up on your friends, no matter the situation regardless of the fact of what seems to be. Recently, I've been in and out of doctor's offices leaving only with a bag of medication and feeling even worse than I did when I first went in. It sucks when you're telling people how horrible you've been feeling and it's only when it starts to show itself physically that they take notice. Just in the last four days, I've taken 38 tablets that are supposed to make me feel better. But they're treating me for something physical when I know that it's all in my head.
I've been unfriended and unfollowed and laughed at when other people try to back me up. I've been told that I have issues and that I should go work on them before talking to anyone else. Yet no one's ever come to see how I'm doing. No one deserves that from anyone.
Scarred.
To say the least, I am terrified to attempt to make any other friends or even reach out to old ones at this point. I'm pretty good with strangers, I think most people are. Conversations are just easy simple questions, because you've never met them before. That, I'm okay with.
I never really wanted to admit that I had failed friendships especially on my blog. I am still so hurt and so frustrated that it's still having a physical toll on me. I think situations like the one I'm referring to change how one looks at friendships from there on. I don't think I'll ever forget how I'm feeling and how I have felt for the past while and it's sad because at one point I thought everything in my life was so wholesome and genuine. I've never missed something so much but nothing's ever made me feel as horrible as that, so what am I supposed to do?
I hope that in the future this sorts itself out, because no one knows how much I've tried more than myself. I deserve genuine people who genuinely want to help me especially if they themselves think it's ok to diagnose and confirm that there's something 'wrong' with me.
Don't ever let someone make you feel bad for not being able to fully commit yourself. If they know, not even know, but if they think there's something going on with you and they make the decision to cut you out of their lives, then so be it. If there's anything I've learnt, it is that it's dangerous to let a select amount of people be your everything. Because this is what happens when they leave. People are amazing, some people can be so much more amazing than others but so is being able to balance your life and not lose everything the minute it starts to tip over. I always ask myself what I did before I met some people, how did I cope, the fact that I'm not coping now that they're gone. But you were fine before them, so you have to be fine after them right?
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