To say the least - I am SO embarrassed.
It's been like 6 months since I wrote anything and I haven't even one single excuse to give because the truth is I'm just lazy. Six months and not one creative brainwave in sight.
I don't know how to get back into this, no idea where to start or what to say. But I'm going to try in hopes that it offers some compensation as to why I haven't been posting.
I said I wouldn't but I might just do it to be spiteful. Writing random crap on this makes me happy, as I've stated before. And maybe what's making me kind of reluctant to do anymore is the uneasiness, maybe acknowledgement is a better word to use that comes with it. Not so recently my blog was used as an insult towards me in a teeny tiny tiff. And I don't know, it kind of just turned me off the idea for a little while because it made me realise that people that didn't necessarily like me or whatever were still reading the things I was posting. A little while ago I tried to adopt a 'if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else, know your worth, don't put yourself out there for people who won't do the same for you' kind of attitude. And frankly, I thought I was acing it, but I wasn't. I was hung up over so much shit, and it took people literally drilling it into my head that I care too much about stuff that I shouldn't. I hated the fact that someone turned this thing, this thing that I love doing into something that I should be shameful of or embarrassed about. One; Everything I write is my business. I get that by writing it I'm giving people insight into a small portion of my life, but I'm writing it. It's not like they've happened to fall on it themselves. I want people to read my blogs, I enjoy writing them and knowing that people are reading them. Two; By one person verbally using it against me, the only thing I walked away from the situation with was a horrible taste in my mouth. I thought that if one person managed to say it to my face then it meant that numerous other people could've been thinking it.
If you're going to take anything from any of what I have said or will say, understand that it's not fair to take a jab at someone in the form of criticising or mocking something that you know they love doing. Imagine being the reason that someone was turned off doing something that they initially loved doing before you came along and said something purely because your brain was shooting blanks and you knew that it would sting like a bitch.
SO annoying.
However, I feel stupid for letting crap like that get to me and regardless of who reads and who ACTUALLY likes what I write, I like doing it and that's what's most important.
Anyway, that is definitely not something that I've been loving this Summer, so I'll get on with the extensive list that I initially wanted to begin with.
If you're going to take anything from any of what I have said or will say, understand that it's not fair to take a jab at someone in the form of criticising or mocking something that you know they love doing. Imagine being the reason that someone was turned off doing something that they initially loved doing before you came along and said something purely because your brain was shooting blanks and you knew that it would sting like a bitch.
SO annoying.
However, I feel stupid for letting crap like that get to me and regardless of who reads and who ACTUALLY likes what I write, I like doing it and that's what's most important.
Anyway, that is definitely not something that I've been loving this Summer, so I'll get on with the extensive list that I initially wanted to begin with.
Working
Shock! I got a job. Anyone who knows me will know that I've never had a steady income, I'm always that friend that struggles to find two euros to rub together let alone gather enough money to go on a proper night out. I had a job that was perfect when I was in college, mainly weekend work and it gave me enough money to support a few nights out throughout the academic year. My college hours were always all over the place though and because I had to travel so far to and from the place; I was reluctant to look for a steady job because I knew that I might just die of exhaustion.
Anyway, I finally landed a 9-5 job, 8-6 though to be fair. It mightn't be the most glamorous work but it's fulfilling, everyone there is super friendly and it forced me into situations that I wouldn't normally do. And I'm making dough, which has brought me to France not only once but twice this year.
Even though it's a full time job and I don't really have any time to be doing anything on the days that I am working, I feel like I'm being super productive, even if I am just getting up every morning, going, coming home and jumping into bed. There's just something about working yourself to fatigue that's very gratifying and self soothing. I recommend, 10/10.
I am also one to overthink a lot of things and having a job literally gives me just a smidgen of time to myself. No more sitting in bed worrying about why they don't want to talk to me or why my life is seemingly so boring. I spend my time doing things I want and need to do to stay happy.
Friends
However cliché it is, it's sooooo true. I've gotten to this point in my life now where anyone who wanted to prove themselves to me, has literally done just that. I'm finishing the summer of 2018 with a lot less people who I initially wanted to start it with and it really hurt me but I've spent so much time with people that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to before and I am so glad.
I spent weeks second guessing everything I've ever done for some people and questioning my own morals and values based on others, which I realise now just isn't me at all. I wasn't really myself for a while and the people closest to me saw that, and now I guess I'm just happy with the little circle I've surrounded myself with. I don't have to worry about confrontations or to be honest the complete opposite; being avoided and ignored.
With the little freetime that I've managed to get this year, I somehow found myself dabbling in things that I used to adore.
The first; Drawing.
I'm not necessarily good anymore, but I like doing it. And with the help of the guilt from a super unnecessary drawing supply spree, I have forced myself to draw something each day no matter how small it turns out to be. I have a tonne of sketchbooks lying around my room and finally I'm getting around to fill them. Practice makes perfect and I intend to draw until I'm nearly as good as I used to be.
The second; Redecorating.
It isn't until you change up your room that you realise how utterly depressing it was beforehand. This Summer, I wanted to finally achieve the 'big girls room'. I used to be one of those people that thought every photo I took had to be developed and stuck on my wall, every tiny little piece of paper and pictures that I thought were nice to look at plastered from ceiling to floor.
If I'm not out, I'm at home. And if that's the case then you know I'm in my room. Unknowingly drowning in a sea of bright and clashy shit that wasn't necessary or cool, ever.
I finally realised that that olive green prison cell was one of the reasons I used to come home, get straight into bed and wonder why all the crap that could've gone wrong in my life did. It was suffocating.
Luckily I went through a de-hoarding phase and threw out everything (EVERYTHING) that didn't hold a special place in my heart, and those things that did are stowed away. I feel SO much better.
The third; Reading.
A crazy lil ol' (young at heart) lady that I was lucky enough to spend a portion of my summer with reminded me how much fun reading can be. This summer I've managed to tick off a few books that my third year in college plans to drop on me the minute I get back and I'm looking forward to being slightly ahead of myself.
I used to read literally all the time, I can remember reading a book in a day. Now granted I never had a boyfriend then nor a lot of friends but it was something so small and simple that could get me so excited and engrossed. And I've finally gotten back into it and I'm so glad. I love it. Although, nothing's quite the same as reading in a deck chair beside the pool or a beach absolutely sizzling. I'm kind of comfortable with the idea of the cold wintery nights ahead, chilling in bed with a book.
Short and sweet but thank you for reading!
Until next time (hopefully it doesn't take that long again!)
I am also one to overthink a lot of things and having a job literally gives me just a smidgen of time to myself. No more sitting in bed worrying about why they don't want to talk to me or why my life is seemingly so boring. I spend my time doing things I want and need to do to stay happy.
Friends
However cliché it is, it's sooooo true. I've gotten to this point in my life now where anyone who wanted to prove themselves to me, has literally done just that. I'm finishing the summer of 2018 with a lot less people who I initially wanted to start it with and it really hurt me but I've spent so much time with people that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to before and I am so glad.
I spent weeks second guessing everything I've ever done for some people and questioning my own morals and values based on others, which I realise now just isn't me at all. I wasn't really myself for a while and the people closest to me saw that, and now I guess I'm just happy with the little circle I've surrounded myself with. I don't have to worry about confrontations or to be honest the complete opposite; being avoided and ignored.
Falling Back In Love With Old Flings
With the little freetime that I've managed to get this year, I somehow found myself dabbling in things that I used to adore.
The first; Drawing.
I'm not necessarily good anymore, but I like doing it. And with the help of the guilt from a super unnecessary drawing supply spree, I have forced myself to draw something each day no matter how small it turns out to be. I have a tonne of sketchbooks lying around my room and finally I'm getting around to fill them. Practice makes perfect and I intend to draw until I'm nearly as good as I used to be.
The second; Redecorating.
It isn't until you change up your room that you realise how utterly depressing it was beforehand. This Summer, I wanted to finally achieve the 'big girls room'. I used to be one of those people that thought every photo I took had to be developed and stuck on my wall, every tiny little piece of paper and pictures that I thought were nice to look at plastered from ceiling to floor.
If I'm not out, I'm at home. And if that's the case then you know I'm in my room. Unknowingly drowning in a sea of bright and clashy shit that wasn't necessary or cool, ever.
I finally realised that that olive green prison cell was one of the reasons I used to come home, get straight into bed and wonder why all the crap that could've gone wrong in my life did. It was suffocating.
Luckily I went through a de-hoarding phase and threw out everything (EVERYTHING) that didn't hold a special place in my heart, and those things that did are stowed away. I feel SO much better.
The third; Reading.
A crazy lil ol' (young at heart) lady that I was lucky enough to spend a portion of my summer with reminded me how much fun reading can be. This summer I've managed to tick off a few books that my third year in college plans to drop on me the minute I get back and I'm looking forward to being slightly ahead of myself.
I used to read literally all the time, I can remember reading a book in a day. Now granted I never had a boyfriend then nor a lot of friends but it was something so small and simple that could get me so excited and engrossed. And I've finally gotten back into it and I'm so glad. I love it. Although, nothing's quite the same as reading in a deck chair beside the pool or a beach absolutely sizzling. I'm kind of comfortable with the idea of the cold wintery nights ahead, chilling in bed with a book.
Short and sweet but thank you for reading!
Until next time (hopefully it doesn't take that long again!)
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